The cancer me

Mentioned before from the previous post HL pg 6, shared the good news that I am now safe to say I am free from Lymphoma. Good news indeed

But on a side note.. having to be aware of my life and being kept reminded that I have the history of Lymphoma, its still all just not that great.. I mean obviously no one would feel great about such things right? as in.. yay cos at least it is complete remission and I dont have to worry much about it and no pain and suffer from treatment anymore. but really.. its like.. now, I have to find a way to survive WITH this lymphoma history (with worries that who the hell knows what is gonna happen in the future *TOUCHWOOD* relapse…) Complete remission is like a whole new life given to me again, but its another life where I have to be concerned that I have to survive in peace with this cancer. Another way of saying is like.. I have finished this war. And it is one victorious war. and now that I am taking charge again, its like how will I manage this piece of “territory” again such that they won’t throw a riot anytime anywhen they like. I guess it just really takes up a lot, or one hell of an effort to have patience, to have endurance, to have strength, to have bravery to go through everything from that very time when I realized that I am diagnosed with lymphoma. What I mean by patience, endurance and all these.. is that.. From that time when my hair starts to fall of from my head after my 2nd chemo, I think I really cant help but cry right? and now that chemo has ended, I have to wait.. wait for my hair to grow back… that long and beautiful hair that I once had. Not just that, how about my eyebrows? My eyelashes? Thoughts like “where did that ‘once beautiful’ me went?” would run past my head randomly. Yes “you shine from your INNER BEAUTY” but sometimes, you just really cant help when you look into the mirror carefully and realize that you are no longer as beautiful you used to be. It takes all kinds of effort to pull yourself out of that black hole and face  yourself in reality and go on with life again.

A smile can be put up to show a bravery front. But just exactly how many of us can really know that tsunami, that thunderstorm, that hurricane that is happening all inside me? Honestly, everytime when my thoughts somehow come to this topic, it is really hard to keep my tears away. It is just that kind of torture that you have to mentally get yourself calm and face it. Sometimes, you just feel so freaking different, so freaking no longer on track that it feels like EVERYTHING IS NEW AGAIN. And for an introvert.. it really needs great effort to make that social life get going again. Btw, what I refer by saying new is that.. I deferred from my school for a semester. And now I am allocated into a new class and will be joining them for lessons. Despite new environment, at least they are still of the same cohort as me (year 3 students). Just that they have already finished their internship.

Its a new chapter of life and that is what I kept telling myself. Sometimes I can’t tell if I regret a certain decision. But at times, I would tell myself that regrets are useless. They can’t help you with ANYTHING except from pulling you back to the past and tell you that you SHOULD HAVE made the other choice. But obviously everyone knows there is no such thing as a time machine that would make the clock turn back in time. It was this that I felt when I appealed to a new class when my new term started. Despite familiar faces and friends, there are definitely still differences compared to the friends that I have spent with for the past 2 years in my poly life. It is now 1 week into school. Definitely things are going to get better for the least. Because it is only week 1. It is just that everyone is still pretty unfamiliar to me bcos since I am a new student.

Anyway. Thankfully, after sharing all these roller coaster / “natural disaster”-like emotions with my mum, I felt WAY SO MUCH BETTER. At least she knows what I am going through. At least she understands me. At least there is someone with me. I cant ask for more or anything better than having someone to understand what is all going on inside me can I? Those exact feelings or close enough feelings, I DARE to say no one truly knows it unless they have experienced it or had it tougher. Mum’s words brought me comfort. It brought me peace. It brought me courage. Pulling myself up all together again and keep my sail going. Quote “Breathe, things are going to get better.” This is what I tell myself and my mirror self.

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